Because of the Author
by HeidiBug731
Summary: A Mary Sue invades Hogwarts, Flitwick flirts with Madam Pomfrey, and Snape apologizes! The world is coming to an end! Everyone RUN! Duck and Cover! A fanfic Challenge. Written post HBP.


This fanfic was writen in response to a Challenge posted in the forums of the HarryPotterRealm.

**_Fanfic Challenge #10_**

_A main character must get caught by Snape doing something extremely embarassing._

_Someone's second name must be funny and strangely familiar._

_A Slytherin must do an "upsetting stomach" spell._

_Someone spots Flitwick flirting with Madam Pomfrey._

_Harry Potter will fall in love with a Mary Sue, called Nancy Drue._

_The Weasley twins must attack someone._

_Snape will apologise to someone._

_Word limit -1800_

* * *

Because of the Author

Harry walks down to Potions to find Fred and George attacking Draco Malfoy.

The author has no idea why the Weasley twins are attacking Malfoy, but it's one of the points that the said author has to hit. And as she has every intention of hitting it, the Weaselys are now attacking Malfoy. But, for the sake of the plot, the author will let the reader assume that Malfoy did something very nasty to deserve it.

Surprisingly (to Harry, not to the author), Malfoy is winning.

Now we all know that Fred and George are very capable of kicking Malfoy's pretty little butt, but, for the sake of the plot, Malfoy's cute little butt is winning.

Snape is standing off to the side and watching instead of depleting Gryffindor's house points because the author really wishes he'd find better things to do than to take house points from Gryffindor. The author thinks he should give them points every now then. Wouldn't that be a wonderful twist? What she means is, it wouldn't kill him, right?

At this point in the story, Malfoy now has both of the Weasley twins disarmed.

The author would like to apologize to Fred and George at this point, but she has every intention of making it up to them.

Not because it's something the author wants him to do, but because it's a very Harryish thing for Harry to do, Harry decides to join in the fight.

And because it's a very Malfoyish thing for Malfoy to do, Malfoy decides to aim a curse at Harry.

For dramatic effect, the author decides that the spell doesn't take affect right away.

Malfoy stares at Harry stupidly, giving the Weasley twins the chance to tackle him as they result to Muggle dueling.

Knock him senseless, boys! Sincerely, the author.

Harry suddenly doubles over and retches onto Crabbe's shoes because the author thinks it's time the spell started to work and she finds the whole shoe thingy highly amusing. Crabbe slips because the author thinks this is also highly amusing, and grabs onto Goyle for support. But Goyle slips because the author enjoys good irony, and then both boys are rolling around in Harry's partly digested breakfast.

There is loud BANG as Snape finally takes action.

The author decided that having Snape just stand around while looking very smug was somewhat boring.

The Weasely twins are blasted away from Malfoy and order is restored.

The author would now like to apologize to Harry for everything she is going to do to him from here on out. For future reference, the author is not going to apologize to Snape for what she will put him through because she thinks what happens to him will be very funny.

Harry is now on all fours, continuing to vomit as Grabbe and Goyle struggle to get off the floor.

The author now giggles humorously as images of Grabbe and Goyle slipping and sliding dance in her head.

* * *

Hermione will now do a very Hermioneish thing and ask a question.

"Do we just wait for it to stop?" she asks Madam Pomfrey.

Harry is retching over the side of the hospital bed into a bucket that was placed there for him.

Snape is present in the Hospital Wing because the author wants him to be there and, for the sake of the plot, because the incident had occurred outside his classroom. Dumbledore is also there, for obvious reasons. Flitwick is there too because he has another point that the author must hit.

For the sake of the point, it just so happens that Madam Pomfrey doesn't answer Hermione's question because she's having a hell of a good time letting Flitwick flirt with her.

"I suppose it's like that time when I kept burping slugs." Ron offers this because the author still finds the whole slug thing very funny.

The author doesn't want to wait around for days, so she's going to say that the spell on Harry does some major damage very quickly.

Due to all the vomiting, Harry becomes extremely dehydrated. He's in a lot of pain because the author discovered from watching Survivor that dehydration is very painful. Suddenly, because the author wants to put him out of his misery, Harry loses consciousness. And his friends wonder if he's going to die because friends do that kind of thing when the author wants them too.

The author will now have herself a field-day with the whole Mary Sue thing.

A girl that no one had seen before walks into the room. She spots Harry and weeps beside his unconscious form while professing her undying love for him. Then, her face streaming with tears, she bends forward and kisses him.

No one interrupts her while this is happening because the author thinks it would very rude of them if they did.

Harry's eyes flutter for a moment, then open. He spots the girl sitting next to him.

"Nancy!"

He throws his arms around her.

The author thinks the above part is rather lame, but it's all for the sake of the plot, of course. And since Nancy's a Mary Sue, it actually makes some sense.

"Whoa, wait a minute!" Ron shouts because it really doesn't make any sense at all. "What the bloody hell just happened? And who are you?" He points at the girl Harry's hugging so tightly.

"My name's Nancy Drue," says the girl because, duh, it's her name.

Ron immediately feels something come over him. Nancy's voice sounds like a choir of angles because she's a Mary Sue. The same reason goes for all that follows.

"I live on Privet Drive, so I've known Harry for like forever, and I've always had magical powers but it seems to have taken Hogwarts a while to realize this, but that's okay because I know more magic than all the seventh years combined. That said, I don't even know why I'm here! Anyway, I was just sorted into Sparklypoo, and then I heard about Harry, and I just had to come see. I'm a flying unicorn animagus. I have the healing touch and I can even change the color of my fingernail polish without using my wand. Look."

She says all of this very fast, then holds up her right hand. Her fingernails blink a variety of different colors as though they're neon Christmas lights.

The author also finds this rather amusing for some reason.

Nancy gives a girlish giggle and continues.

"I'm part vela because of a relation to Fluer in some form or another, I'm sure. I'm Draco's half-sister, Dumbledore's daughter, Sirius's niece, Voldemort's cousin, Lupin's great-great-grandmother, thanks to an amusing mix up with time travel, Snape's daughter, Luciuis Malfoy's third cousin twice removed on his mother's side, Hermione's long lost sister, Tonks's half-cousin by marriage once removed on her father's side, Bellatrix's niece, and . . . I'm a half blood."

Hermione blinks. "What?"

The author finds it very amusing that Hermione's lost and takes time to laugh as she hopes her readers will. But if not . . . oh, well.

Hermione ponders over how Hogwarts had suddenly acquired a fifth house and why anyone would name it Sparklypoo. She turns to question Ron about this, but he's now drooling at the mouth because the author thinks that's what he should do.

"Ronald Bilius Weasley!" Hermione shouts because Bilius is Ron's real middle name, but it reminds the author of Bill, so it's familiar, and she also finds it funny. Poor, Ron. The author wonders if it was Mr. or Mrs. Weasely who had come up with that and whether they'd been mentally impaired at the time. Just a thought.

Ron shakes his head as though coming out of a trance. "Huh?"

"Wait a minute," says Flitwick, turning away from Madam Pomfrey to join the conversation because the author thinks it's about time he says something. "Did she say she was Snape's _and_ Dumbledore's daughter?"

Snape puts his face uncharacteristically in his hands because the author can make him do that.

Dumbledore turns toward Flitwick. "Remember that Christmas party several years ago where we all got really, really drunk."

Flitwick thinks for a moment and shakes his head. "No."

"Ah, well, that's because you were . . . really, really drunk."

"Oh," says Flitwick because the author thinks it is the right thing for him to say. "But I still don't-"

Snape speaks, his voice muffled behind his hands. "I don't want to discuss it."

* * *

The Room of Requirement is a very special room and used for various special purposes. Nancy and Harry decide to use the room for their own special purposes one night.

The author would like to say that if there is a reader who does not have their mind in the gutter, so to speak, at the moment, they need to get there immediately.

Because there are still two plot points the author needs to hit, Snape decides that he needs to use the Room of Requirement. The author has no idea why he needs to use it, but, for the sake of the plot, the author will let the reader assume that he has a very good reason.

Snape opens the door and is horrified by what he sees.

Nancy, still half dressed, positions herself so she's covering Harry, who's completely undressed. Harry quickly pulls the blanket around them to save them both from further embarrassment.

"Do you mind?" asks Nancy. "We're kind of busy."

Snape stutters like a blundering idiot while the author laughs at him. "I-I-I-I-um-I-d-d-didn't-m-mean . . .s-s-s-sorry."

At this point the author wonders if she should rewrite the whole story and change the plot so that Snape apologizes for killing Dumbledore and insists on being shot because she thinks this would be rather amusing. But she's not too enthusiastic about starting over again and hopes that she or someone else can use it next time.

"You know," says Harry as Snape shuts the door behind him. "This is a rather strange story. Why is that?"

Nancy thinks for a moment and answers; "Because of the author."

The author would like to say that she thinks this is a very weak ending, but she can't think of anything else as she has a headache. So, without further ado:

THE END


End file.
